I’m about 95% sure that someone’s already written something on this topic, but it doesn’t change the fact that it needs to be done.

Normally, if I have any fear that someone has already beaten a subject to death, I’d look to avoid it and fill the space with another column about Teen Wolf or just post a picture of Dennis Eckersley.

But I went to the Cardinals game on a chilly Tuesday night versus the Pirates and what I saw called me into action. Even if another columnist at some point has written about the rules for wearing a baseball jersey, I haven’t read it and after Tuesday’s demonstration, it looks like the city of St. Louis needs some serious tutoring.

As I stood in front of the “home plate” entrance at Busch III before the Cards-Pirates game, I watched as “the best fans in baseball” proceeded to violate every rule for sporting a jersey that I thought was understood in the baseball world. Is it possible that some people don’t understand the basic guidelines or was it just the abnormally cold weather that sent people into wardrobe malfunction?

Whatever the case, action was needed. In case you are looking to purchase a Cardinals jersey or any other team for that matter, it’s time to throw out a set of guidelines to follow.

1.) The Powder Blue Rule – This was the one topic that kicked off this whole internal conversation. A few days back on The Daily Redbird, I posted a story relayed from a friend about a reckless fan who purchased a powder blue Cardinals jersey, worn in the early 80’s, and stitched Vince Coleman’s name on the back.

As was described in the rant, a major rule of jersey wearing is that you can’t be irresponsible in the marriage between player and jersey. Coleman never wore a powder blue uniform. The Cardinals had moved onto the gray road jersey by the time Vince was brought up to terrorize the National League. It was the fashion equivalent of buying a Pontiac Sunfire and then putting a big “Grand Am” sticker on the back window. It doesn’t make any sense.

If you’re going to make an investment on a throwback jersey, at least make sure the jersey actually existed at one time. You owe that much to yourself and your wallet. 

2.) No First Names – Ichiro really screwed up this rule. In the old days, the fact that Major League players didn’t put first names on their jerseys was an adequate way to explain why fans shouldn’t either. Now that Mr. Suzuki chose to go with his more recognizable first name on his Mariners jersey, everything is all messed up.

With that being the case, we’re forced to go another route in demonstrating why it’s not right to use a first name only on your uniform of choice – Josh the Cardinals Batboy. Trust me, I don’t have anything against the Cardinals batboy and I certainly don’t have a problem with the name Josh, but when the two combine and the result is a 30 year old man with a mustache serving as the home team’s bat wrangler, it raises some eyebrows.

For years, Josh has sported a jersey adorned with his first name and his constant presence at home games has resulted in him and said first name becoming relatively famous in this city (or infamous depending on how you look at it). If Josh’s story teaches us anything, it’s that no matter how old you are and how much facial hair you have, if you buy a jersey and stitch your first name on it, you could be mistaken for a batboy.

3.) Your Own Name isn’t Cool – We’ve already touched on the fact that first names don’t belong on a jersey, so now we’ll take that the next step – never put your own name on a baseball jersey period. The only time this is acceptable is if your last name happens to be shared with a player and onlookers won’t know the difference. If your name is John Oberkfell, then this may be the one time that actually comes in handy.

It’s your jersey and your money, so ultimately you can stitch whatever name you’d like on it, but please knowthat if you do go with your own name, you might as well be holding a sign that reads “I’m a dork” in front of 40,000 other fans in the stadium.

As a fan, the most you are granted in my book is the right to occasionally throw out the word “we” when referencing the Cardinals and that’s only legal after 20 years of uninterrupted fanaticism. Your gameday attire is no place to live out your life long fantasies.

4.) Clever Names Aren’t Clever – When you take a jersey out into a stadium that is partially filled with beer drinking monkeys, as any baseball stadium is, you’re bound to run into a tough crowd. It’s precisely this reason that going the humorous route is not a good move when finishing your uniform.

Trying names like “Your Daddy” and “JimmyLegs” on the back of your jersey is guaranteed to rile up the people who don’t like their precious team’s uniforms messed with. Deservedly so.

One reason for this phenomenon is that a general lack of conformity is bound to rub some people the wrong way; it’s tough to please a whole stadium full of different personalities. The main reason however is that 90% of the time you think you’re putting something funny on your jersey, you’re wrong.

Either you’ll realize when you get mocked at the stadium by people cheering for the same team as you, or a few years later when you figure out that you ruined a perfectly good jersey because one day you thought stitching “Pull Ho’s” on the back of it would be sweet.

5.) Clever Numbers Aren’t Clever Either – If you put number 69 on a shirt of any kind, softball jersey, rec soccer shirt, $150 Cardinals button down, you are a complete loser. Same goes with 420, 311 and any other number that you think is going to be cool.

6.) Real Jersey Only Please – I don’t own a Cardinals jersey. The reason is simple – they’re expensive as hell. Rather than go out and buy some cheap replica jersey with a distorted logo on it from Target, I choose to support my team via less expensive paraphernalia (hats, t-shirts, etc).

Without tooting my own horn, I tend to think I’m going about it the right way. Thousands of Cardinals fans disagree. How do I know that? Because every time I set foot in Busch Stadium I am surrounded by people wearing weird versions of the Cardinals uniform that the team has never worn in its 100 year history. Why pay $150 when you can get a red and navy blue Pujols jersey from Sports Authority for $20? The answer is simple – if you do, just know that you’re making a mockery out of this team’s history. You may as well walk up to the Stan Musial statue and spit on it.

7.) The Grace Period – There’s some risk involved in buying team paraphernalia that prominently features a specific player. One look at the glut of Mark McGwire shirts that adorn the racks at the local Goodwill will provide evidence of that.

One day you’re wearing a T-Shirt with the hero of the city whom they’re naming highways after, the next you’ve got a scorned steroid freak on your chest.

It can be a gamble.

When choosing a jersey to buy, you never want to be the guy or girl who is going to the stadium wearing the jersey of a player who doesn’t play for the team any longer. If you own a Mike Matheny jersey for example, proper etiquette would be to take one for the team and set it aside for five years or so before you wear it to another game. It may have the Cardinals logo on the front, but when that player defected to another team (regardless of the reasoning) you’re supporting the enemy now. It may suck that your guy isn’t on the team any longer, but in five years that jersey will be a nice obscure piece of memorabilia to wear.

The length of the grace period should be directly proportional to that player’s tenure with the team. If you had a Renteria jersey, you’ve got to put it on the bench for a few years. If you had the jersey of a short term Cardinal like Bob Horner…well, then I’d like to hang out with you.

8.) Do Not Tuck In the Jersey – For the love of God, it’s a baseball jersey not a Stafford Wrinkle Free. Just because big leaguers tuck it into their baseball pants does not make it okay for you to tuck it into your pleated khakis. Jerseys of all kinds - football, basketball, hockey sweaters - must be left untucked at all times.

If you’re a “tuck everything” kind of guy, then get yourself a nice Cardinals polo. Just don’t stitch a name on the back.

9.) Absolutely, Positively No JD Drew Jerseys – I really shouldn’t even have to say this one. Buying a Drew jersey, even when he was at the height of his hype in St. Louis was the equivalent of rolling down your car window and throwing a wad of $20’s out. You had to know you’d hate yourself for getting it.

Daily Redbird correspondent Alex Fritz put it best when he said any owners of Drew jerseys should immediately remove them before their body is convinced they are JD and starts creating fake injuries.

10.) When In Doubt, Go Obscure – If you’re searching for the right jersey, but you’re up in the air as to whether to go current or to go with a throwback from the 80’s, just know that you typically can’t go wrong when you go obscure.

So long as you follow Rule #1, even the shortest tenured Cardinals can make for a unique jersey. Take for example the Chris Sabo jersey I witnessed last year. Sabo played for the Birds for 5 games in 1995, just enough for one guy to throw caution to the wind and create what is possibly the world’s only Cardinals jersey dedicated to the league’s premier Rec Specs advocate.

In the jersey buying game, obscurity is good.

Unless there actually was a guy who played for the Cardinals named “Jimmy Legs” in which case it’s still nerdy.

JSF Weekly is written by Josh Bacott. His Tito Landrum jersey is still on back order. You can e-mail him at jsf@joesportsfan.com